A few years into our jobs, each one is curious to know how are our friends doing- how much are they making etc. Although the key driver generally is friendship led intrigue, but there is also an inherent comparison that comes into play- how are we doing vis-à-vis others. Are we doing better than others or at least, better than average? A similar curiosity can be found on appraisal day- people’s curiosity does not end at knowing their appraisal. In fact, that serves as an appetizer- the main course being how the day has turned out for their peers. Interestingly, one has seen people who felt that they were well rewarded suddenly change their stance, when they came to know about the rewards for others!

Recently there was a much quoted joke that it hurt not to have a girlfriend, but it hurt more to know that a particular politician had one. Similarly there were a lot of comparisons leading to all kinds of comments- partly on the lighter side, on the recent topper of Class XIIth.

The fact of the matter is that comparisons are an inherent part of our lives. It is an all-encompassing arena sparing none- from how the current PM compares with the previous one to how one kid did better than the other in school.

One cannot deny the need of making comparisons at a common scale- and they serve a useful purpose in decision making and for guidance. For example, if you need to hire a candidate for a job amongst multiple candidates, you would need to compare people. Effectively, in most questions around decision making, we are making choices which inherently involve comparisons.

Comparisons can also be used to generate competition amongst people as well- in most fields and especially in sports. However, over emphasis on how someone else is doing can make this competition unhealthy and create problems. On one hand side, it forces people to lose their individuality and on the other, it creates unnecessary stress. I am sure all of us have come across students who have faced these comparisons and associated pressures to such a level that they have broken down and either run away from homes or in many cases, even committed suicide. Why only that, so many times we see ourselves and people around us making sub optimal choices to fall in line with others wishes to avoid all these comparisons.

Let me borrow from a very insightful paragraph from Portia de Rossi, Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain

“I don't know where this pressure came from. I can't blame my parents because it has always felt internal. Like any other parent, my mother celebrated the A grades and the less-than-A grades she felt there was no need to tell anybody about. But not acknowledging the effort that ended in a less than perfect result impacted me as a child. If I didn't win, then we wouldn't tell anyone that I had even competed to save us the embarrassment of acknowledging that someone else was better. Keeping the secret made me think that losing was something to be ashamed of, and that unless I was sure I was going to be the champion there was no point in trying. And there was certainly no point to just having fun.”

Coming back to the quintessential question - Does the first line become smaller- just because a bigger line was drawn next to it….you may answer, relatively speaking- yes but not in absolute terms. And that is exactly my point.

In fact, relativity or comparisons are a surest way to make oneself feel bad. Even if they give a temporary high, either you will change your benchmark and feel bad or your original subject will change enough to make you feel bad.

On the other extreme, relativity may lead to you not achieving your true potential- because you get satisfied by just beating others, while you could have achieved a lot more if you just focused on reaching where you could. I remember the time when I had topped my class in mathematics and was quite excited when I said the same to my father. He said “that is fine, but why did you lose the 5 marks that you did?”….I was like- I topped the class, what more do you want. In retrospect, I realized he was pushing me to perfection- and not getting satisfied at just beating others.

A much more positive means is to compete with yourself- to focus on constant self-improvement and becoming better than you were (credit: Steve Young -former US football star).

Let us focus on learning and joy, contentment and competition with self and follow the theory of (un) relativity which simply says that the journey is as glorious as reaching the summit, and this glory is irrespective of how many treaded the path before or after you !