During one of my coaching sessions, Amit sought help with managing relationships and a general feeling of loneliness. He was in his mid-forties, married and with a teenage kid. He had spent his childhood in a small town, then moved to a metro for further education. He went on to do an MBA from one of the top 10 business schools and was now working in a mid-sized corporate in Mumbai.

Over the years, Amit found that his relationship with his siblings was not as meaningful or fun as it used to be. They had become busier in their own lives, managing families and their own aspirations and challenges. While they still met and wished each other well, he felt the conversations had become shallow. Deep and more heartfelt discussions, including sharing emotions and worries, had been replaced by “How are you?  All okay” type of small talk. Slowly, but surely, they seemed to have drifted away from each other.

Amit was also finding it difficult to build strong bonds in his workplace. Thanks to the corporate hierarchy, he was reluctant to talking freely with his seniors. And given the competition for the next promotion/appraisal, he had a fear of discussing personal goals or difficulties with his peers, lest they be used against him in the future. Thus, he preferred to maintain a distance from most of his colleagues.

While Amit was still in touch with his childhood friends, their world now seemed a tad distant and disconnected from his. For one, it had been several years since he had left his hometown, and this meant there were fewer topics of conversation between them. More importantly, given that he had been a bright student and had excelled ahead of his friends, there was a forced distance between them. They thought of him as a super achiever, and above their league. With his MBA friends, it was the other way round. Amit believed that his batch-mates were doing much better than him. Some had become entrepreneurs, raised external funding and grown their businesses and wealth. Others had become equity investors and amassed both wealth and stature. A few had become CXOs in leading corporates. His LinkedIn feed left him with mixed feelings; he was happy for his friends, batch-mates and juniors’ achievements, but he also felt he had not done as well in comparison. This feeling created more distance between him and his friends and Amit slowly retreated into a shell. Add to this the fact that he had moved houses in Mumbai and had no bond with his neighbourhood. He felt alienated and did not know who to share his feelings and vulnerabilities with.

 Amit’s story is not unique. In fact, one could say this is more the norm, especially for middle-aged professionals. Why? Because, this is the time we are sandwiched between various kinds of concerns: the health of our parents, the wellbeing of our kids and their future, our own health, careers, and the need to make time for our relationships and hobbies. As such, our need to bond socially is higher, and, unfortunately, our ability to do this is at its lowest.

The advent of social media has meaningfully increased our connect, but, on the flip side, it has significantly reduced the depth of our connections. Instead of meeting people or calling them on special occasions, we simply wish them on Instagram or WhatsApp, thereby losing out on the opportunity to engage deeper. Communication on social media often creates a vicious circle. For one, it leads to a one dimensional view of other people’s lives. Whether it is travel or unique experience shared on Instagram or achievements highlighted on LinkedIn, one feels that other peoples’ lives are problem-free and joyous. In relativity, our own lives seem to have a fair share of challenges and we come across as laggards professionally and personally. This increases our apprehensions in connecting with people. So, whenever we have free time, we find ourselves browsing more social media and watching YouTube videos, because that is easier and more fun in the short run. This pattern further increases the distance with others and deepens our feelings of loneliness.

Before we delve deeper, it is important to be on the same plane on loneliness. Loneliness is the absence or lack of meaningful connections with others, affection in current social relationships and a sense of belonging to valued groups and communities. It is different from solitude or being alone physically, and is an emotional response. Some people may feel content in solitude, while others may feel lonely even when surrounded by others.

The feeling of loneliness has an interesting correlation to the economy. On one hand, economic growth leads to more opportunities to create wealth. There is an implied need to create distinction. Net worth creation, exotic experiences and success, both actual and perceived, become top priority. All these have a time and stress cost associated with them, and in some ways take away time from relationships. On the other hand, in developing capitalistic societies, inequality of wealth creates friction and distance between people. Those who are financially worse off are wary of being judged, while the wealthy are concerned they may be considered apathetic or arrogant.

Loneliness can lead to various mental health issues and psychiatric disorders such as depression, abuse, sleep problems, personality disorders and Alzheimer’s. Health research has shown that loneliness, social isolation, or both, are associated with an increased risk of heart attack and greater risk of stroke. Loneliness has already been linked to having a negative impact on immune systems and causing high blood pressure.

Human behaviour is significantly influenced by how we have evolved as a species.  Our need for social connection is rooted deep within us biologically. In fact, research now suggests that humans have evolved basis the need for social connection. Social connections provided many clear advantages for survival in terms of safety from predators and raising children. These behaviours conferred such benefits that evolution naturally selected for more social connection over time. Research suggests that having a stronger social network is beneficial for our wellbeing and health, and that maintaining existing relationships and forging new friendships could be an effective form of disease prevention.

So, how do we go about making this change?

The first step is to invest actively in relationships that matter, even if it is just a handful of people. Making the effort to call these people and meet them whenever possible can go a long way to strengthen our bonds. A friend of mine, for example, has made a habit of calling his parents and at least one friend every day while on his way back from work. With these people, it is important to let your guard down and be your true self. If you share your concerns and vulnerabilities freely, people appreciate that you are like them. Instead of being perceived as a sign of weakness, such sharing builds trust. It enables everyone to be true with you and results in stronger associations.

Another possibility is joining a community based on one’s interest or hobby, for example, a sports community like a running group or an interest group like photography. Given the common interest, one finds it easier to bond with people. There is a common topic to talk about, share experiences and ideas on improving in the same, making it a mutually beneficial relationship.

Similarly, volunteering generates a good feeling within us, besides helping build bonds with both- other volunteers and beneficiaries. When we do something for others, we find it easier to forge connections. When we take care of others, we tend to befriend those around us.

It takes time and effort to build and sustain relationships and a sense of community. When we are stressed, we tend let go of our efforts in this direction. However, this is when we need to continue investing in the same, somewhat akin to continuing our SIPs when the markets are down. It is also very important to have a few people in our lives with whom we can be ourselves, without the fear of being judged.

So, let us think through the habits we need to actively inculcate which will help deepen our relationships with people and bonds with the community.

Related readings

Exploring the experiences of loneliness in adults with mental health problems: A participatory qualitative interview study - PMC

Relationship Between Loneliness, Psychiatric Disorders and Physical Health ? A Review on the Psychological Aspects of Loneliness - PMC

Why Chronic Loneliness Is As Dangerous As Smoking: Debunking Myths From Facts

Loneliness has same risk as smoking for heart disease - Harvard Health

The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need — Social Creatures

The Practice of Groundedness-Brad Stulberg