Globetrotter. Opacarophile. Artist. Also, a full-time working professional and mother to a teenager. Meet Priya, a dear friend of mine who I first met, while I was preparing for our CA exams. We hit it off instantly, and have stayed friends through life’s ups and downs over the last 25 years. 

Last year, Priya was detected with cancer.

When she told me this, my reaction was one of disbelief. How could this happen to my friend? She has always had a health-focused lifestyle, never misses her workouts, loves home-cooked meals and good sleep. She seemed to be getting younger every time I met her even as my hair greyed and thinned rapidly. And then I felt worried! I felt a knot in my throat when I remembered how afraid she was of doctors. I remembered how I had joked that she could travel to Egypt alone but she could not go to a doctor alone.

It has been a year since, and Priya has been through a rigorous treatment. I have been talking with her as often as possible, and when she was over the toughest part, I asked if we could catch up for a freewheeling discussion on her journey through this difficult time. 

As usual, we met over a hot cup of chai, our favourite drink. With Priya’s permission, I am sharing excerpts of the conversation between two old friends. Given the rampant spread of cancer and life affecting diseases in general, I hope this will give us all somethings to think about.

Om: What were your first emotions when you found out you had cancer?

Priya: I was terrified, and I thought it was a death sentence! For a person like me, who fears going to the hospital even once a year for my regular check-up, the cancer diagnosis meant that I would be spending the most part of the next 8-10 months with doctors in hospitals. That thought was unnerving to say the least and it made me very sad.

Om: It’s been a challenging time for you. Can you share the emotional roller coaster that you experienced during the year?

Priya: Let’s just say it was more downs than ups, more disappointments than hope. It has been a painful journey, physically emotionally, and mentally. To some extent, I felt like covid was back, but only for me. My doctor said I could not go to office, forget travel out of the city, and you know how much I love travel! I was not allowed to socialize and if I did have visitors, I had to be cautious and wear a mask. Then, I lost all my hair…! I could not recognise this person I saw every day in the mirror. 

Om: What helped you, physically and mentally, to get through?

Priya:  Honestly, the journey has been tough. There was pain, fear and hopelessness!

What really helped me face this challenge was my immediate family. My husband stood by me like a rock; he managed all the doctor appointments, and stayed by my side during every hospital visit. He took care of our son and made certain that he was okay emotionally and also ensured his school work was not impacted by the emotional turmoil we were all going through. He co-ordinated with friends and family so that I always had enough support. My parents visited and stayed with me more number of times than they have in the last 20 years. My sister was my 24/7 helpline (despite staying in a different time zone); she was my biggest source of strength. I called her at the most random hours and for most crazy reasons. My sisters in law, and my best friends all showed up when I needed them.

Beyond family and friends, I have to thank my work place and managers. They supported me in every way they could, allowing me flexibilities, and ensuring that I continued to work. This gave me both purpose and a meaningful distraction. They also checked on me regularly and made me feel wanted, which was a huge psychological support.

Om: What were some of your insights during this year?

Priya: (after some thought) I think one deep realisation was that your pain and grief is yours alone. Others (howsoever close) are just visitors to your pain. They can walk with you but not for you. Another insight was the importance of the ordinary. Ordinary is actually quite extraordinary. What I missed most was my ordinary routine at home and work.

(After a pause) I also recognised that I had misunderstood certain relationships. Some people who I considered close friends never checked on me in the last 11 months. In life, people who count are not the ones who are ready to join every party you throw, they are the ones who quietly sit beside you in a hospital, when you need them the most. My sister was right when she said, by the time this treatment is done, my ‘circle’ of friends will resemble a ‘dot’.

Also, most people tend to find their own problems gigantic, and unknowingly trivialize other’s difficulties. Someone who visited me went to great lengths to discuss her health issues, while referring to my cancer as just another ailment. I was not sure how to react to that, but I also made a mental note to never make such a mistake with anyone else!

Om: What has changed in the way you think of life?

Priya: Om! You are asking too many tough questions… but I am happy that it is making me reflect in a way I have not done so far.

Now, I think life is fragile and very unpredictable. In May, we were holidaying in Seychelles, and in June I was undergoing a painful chemotherapy treatment. I have understood the importance of ‘letting go’, and this applies both to people and situations. Bluntly put, what does not serve any purpose in your life, should not be part of your life.

Om: What things do you value more now than you did earlier?

Priya: This is easy to answer. I have always valued good health, but now I think it is priceless. It is far more important than a rich lifestyle, great career, or almost everything else. Also, I think it is a joy to be able to lead a routine life. One should never take it for granted.

 Me: Any learnings that you would like to share?

Priya: Well, this makes me sound like a monk sharing wisdom!

I have had a few learnings, of course. I think financial security is very important and we do not give it adequate credit. Besides the trauma and pain, most people are scared of cancer because of the phenomenal cost of the treatment, and honestly access to best treatment is key here. 

I have also learnt that the mind is more powerful than the body. I read this line somewhere and it has stayed with me: “You can choose whether your pain will make you bitter or better.” Also, whether it’s pain or pleasure, company of the right people makes all the difference.

Om: Any recommendations you would like to share?

Priya: (giving a bemused look!) I recommend that everyone, especially above a certain age, get comprehensive medical tests done periodically. Also, please do not ignore any health issues or indications that are not normal for you; in fact, be proactive about it. From what I understand, most cancerous tumours are painless, and that is why we tend to ignore them. In my case, my co-morbidities led to many side effects during the treatment. I think it is very important to take care of broader health parameters as early as possible.

I was observing Priya closely during our entire conversation. Her hair was shorter than I had ever seen it before and she had lost weight. She was not her usual, energetic self, who would run around organising things for me, every time I visited her. Her eyes showed she had been through a hard time, and somehow that had made her calmer! Ever though the body was not fully back to normal, she still had that zest for life. Especially when she said, “I have been telling my husband that he should not think he has saved on my travel expenses. They have been deferred and as soon as the doctor permits, I will ensure that they are spent along with any interest that has accrued.”

I became emotional after meeting Priya. I was feeling bad that a dear friend had to go through all this suffering, and there was very little I could do about it, except check on her once in a while. Her point on your grief and pain is yours alone hit hard, at both levels- my inability to be of use to her and more importantly, what she would have felt. I was feeling a bit relieved as well that the worst seemed to be over, although she needed to remain vigilant and take it slow (which I know is not easy for her). I felt proud of how she had stayed strong through the treatment.

Reflecting on some of the things she had said, I realised the fragility of life, and how things can change abruptly. For the first time, I felt grateful for my normal life. It is true that “you never realize the value of something until it’s gone”. I promised to be vigilant about my health and encourage friends and family to do so as well. As I returned, I prayed for her well-being, and for God to be kind to folks around including myself !