Five minutes before their scheduled call time, Ragini received a WhatsApp message from her coach. “I am on the zoom call, pls join when convenient.” He was always before time, and greeted her with a genuine smile that made her feel important and cared for.

After greetings, a short breathing exercise, and a prayer, Ragini and her coach got talking.

Coach: Ragini, what is it that you want to talk about today?

Ragini: Coach, there is something that has been bothering me for a while…  I think I am harsher with myself than I should be. I compare myself with people who are more successful, and think I am a failure. It is creating a negative cycle in my life.

Coach: Go on, please.

Ragini:  I do not want to be critical of myself… in fact, if possible, I want to love myself more.

Coach (smiling): Of course, it is possible, and we will get there. What do you mean when you say, “love myself more”.

Ragini: Maybe to be able to accept who I am in totality, with my strengths and weaknesses, with my flaws and imperfections… (after some thought) Basically, I want to be able to respect myself for who I am, and not always be guided by standards set by others.

Coach:  Ragini, thanks for sharing this. I appreciate it takes courage to voice these feelings. Could you please elaborate on how accepting and respecting yourself will help you?

Ragini: I indulge in a lot of negative self-talk, and this causes unnecessary stress and fear. I lack the courage to back myself up and it prevents me from achieving my potential. I think, once I am able to accept myself in totality, i can begin improving, otherwise I will live in a state of denial all the time! Also, if I start respecting myself, I will begin to acknowledge my strengths, which will give me the courage to be better.

Coach: Very well put, Ragini. Let me note this down.

Could you summarise your objective from this coaching session? Also, may I request you to write it down?

Ragini: … to be able to accept myself for who I am, and love and respect myself.

The coach repeated it while making a note of it.

Coach: Given your objective, what would you want to achieve in the session today?

Ragini: I think the goal is deep, but a good starting point is to identify traits and habits that push me in the negative zone, and try and nip them. Also, maybe, I can add some things into my routine that direct me towards my goal.

Coach: That sounds like a plan! What would you like to start with?

Ragini: I think the negatives are easier, as I have reflected on them.

Coach: Go on, please.

Ragini: I end up comparing myself a lot with others. Thanks to social media, I am able to see the amazing things people are doing, and it affects me negatively. Then, it is a downward spiral. I start thinking about the fact that I never met my parents’ expectations in studies , and how I have nothing remarkable that I can claim to have achieved in my 28 years of existence. I have identified the trigger. However, I do not know what I can do to manage this.

Coach: Well, you have made a start, by thinking about this topic, and identifying what triggers it. Now that you have identified the trigger, what do you think you can do next?

Ragini: I tried staying away from social media, in a bid to avoid the trigger. It helped, but it was not sustainable.

Coach: So, what do you think is a sustainable way to avoid the trigger altogether or minimize the impact?

Ragini: The ideal way is to have so much confidence in myself that what the world does, does not bother me, it just inspires me to be better.

Coach: What do you need to do to have that confidence in yourself?

Ragini:  Maybe, achieve more, become successful in my own eyes?

Coach: Do you think that will help you have the confidence to not be bothered about what the world does?

Ragini: (Seems to get into a chain of thoughts… and takes some time)… I do not think that is fool proof either, because whatever I achieve, there will be people who will be 10 times better… and if I compare myself with them, I will still feel like a failure.

Coach: Interesting, so what is the way out?

Ragini: Maybe, I just need to accept that I am enough the way I am. Why compare myself in the first place?

(after a period of silence) It is an insightful and profound realisation. Though, I am not sure I can be in this zen mode all the time. I know, once in a while, I will get into a relative mode, especially when my parents tell me about achievers in the family or when I hear about one of my B-school batchmates doing very well, or if I catch something on social media.

Coach: So what can be your armour against getting “into a relative mode”?

Ragini: (thinks for a while) Maybe, I can make a list of all my achievements, and keep adding to it as I go along. Also, maybe, I should try and do this list basis my view, rather than what the world thought of them. At times, what I thought were achievements were ignored by others and vice-versa. I think, in doing this exercise, I should be true to myself and my beliefs.

Coach: That is a very nice idea. How do you think you can use this list better?

Ragini: I can make reading the list and updating it a periodic affair, say once in a month?

Coach: Wonderful. We have found our first actionable. Let us make it SMART. When will you make the list and how will ensure that you read and update it?

Ragini: I will make the list this Saturday, at 2pm. It will take an hour, at the most. I will block half an hour on my calendar on the last Saturday of every month to review and update it.

Coach: Great. What else do you think you can do to love and respect yourself more?

Ragini: When I get into a negative spiral, I stay in that zone for a long time. I have read your blog about journaling. I think if I journal my thoughts when I am down, it will help me accept myself better and also possibly reduce the negativity.

Coach: That is a great idea. Let us make it actionable.

Ragini: Sure. I will journal once a week. I know I should probably do it more often, but I want to start with what I believe is realistic. I am usually free on Sundays, post lunch. That will be a good time, 2pm to 3pm. If I am in a tough phase, I will try and journal during the week as well.

Coach: Fair enough. What else do you think you can do to achieve your goal?

Ragini: I watched a video on saying affirmations to oneself every morning. Honestly, I was a bit sceptical… if it was that easy, life would be simple. Then, I read about it, and realised that it might actually have some merit. It could help make my inner voice more positive and friendly.

Coach: So what do you want to say to yourself?

Ragini:  “ Ragini, you are amazing and I love you for who you are.”

Coach: Super. When do you start with this?

Ragini: I will start tomorrow!

Coach: Our time is almost up, so let me summarize the actionables. You will write down all your achievements this Saturday between 2pm and 3pm, and update the list once a month on the last Saturday. You will journal once a week, starting 2pm on Sundays. You will block time on your calendar to ensure this is done. Also, you will start with the affirmation from tomorrow. Have you written all this down?

Ragini: Yes Coach, I have, and I am accountable to myself and to you to follow the same.

Coach: Before we end the session, any key takeaways from it?

Ragini: I think before the session, I knew I had a problem but I was unclear about it. At some level, I also felt there was not much I could do about it.

The session helped me understand it better, and then the actionable ideas followed easily. Besides, with the insight of not comparing, I am already feeling positive and think that over time, I will get to my goal.

Coach: On this positive note, let us close the session. We will connect after 4 weeks and see how you are progressing. Thank you for your trust.

Ragini: Thanks a lot for your time, Coach. I will make the charity contribution shortly.

Author’s note:

1) Awareness about our inner selves, our values and habits, and accepting ourselves for who we are, is a great starting point for personal growth. Self-love is the biggest gift we can give ourselves, and is the antidote to many stresses of the world.

2) Based on an actual coaching discussion. Summarised for ease of reading.